I wanted to do some grades now that we are 1/3 of the way through the baseball season. Regular letter grades are pretty boring, though, so I decided to lean on comedian, Mitch Hedberg. Sadly, he passed away in March 2005 but I hear that some previously unreleased recordings are coming out soon. If you aren’t familiar with him, this post probably won’t be very funny for you because a lot of his humor is in his delivery. But you should definitely check him out.
- Red Sox - I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? Might be a stretch, but how pissed do the Red Sox have to be that they are 1.5 games ahead of the Rays?
- Rays - I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too. In what world are we 1/3 of the way through the season and the Rays are on top of the vaunted AL East? I feel like I’m on drugs.
- Blue Jays - An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Sorry for the convenience, Blue Jays fans. Your broke-down escalator of a team is somehow getting it done.
- Yankees - If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk and he fell…that would be completely unacceptable. If you had a team that had a $209 million payroll and they were 4th in the AL East by 6 1/2 games, that would be completely unacceptable.
- Orioles - I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes. Sorry your team started off strong and gave you some false hopes, Orioles fans.
- White Sox - It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there even if I don’t want one. Because by the time it’s done…who knows? They got off to a pretty rough start, but a couple blow-up dolls later and KA-POW: baked potato.
- Twins - I like vending machines cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes I will drop it so that it achieves it’s maximum flavor potential. The Twins are only a half-game out of first. They might actually be past their maximum flavor potential. But good on them.
- Indians - Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got motherf^ck^r! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up.” The Indians just can’t get it together. They are missing an arm in Carmona. The highest BA on their team is .287 and the most RBIs is 37. They’re 5 1/2 games out of 1st place; the Twins and White Sox are waving at the handless Indians.
- Tigers - I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction. 2nd highest payroll. 11 games under .500.
- Royals - I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. Does anybody really need this one explained?
- Angels - The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re f^ck!n’ relentless. 4th-best record in baseball. They just keep quietly winning. Also, tennis is boring and so are the Angels.
- Athletics - I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others. Nothin’ crazy, but not too shabby. Also seemed like a good quote for the Bay area.
- Rangers - I opened up a yogurt and underneath the lid it said, “Please try again” because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. “C’mon Mitchell! Don’t give up!” An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top! Hey, you guys started off in the cellar but now you’re almost a .500 team! Don’t give up, Rangers!
- Mariners - I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. 9th-highest payroll, next-to-last record. Apparently they just got sick of not caring.
- Phillies - Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. “Dammit Otto, you’re an alcoholic.” “Dammit Otto, you have Lupus.” One of those two doesn’t sound right. Even though the Phillies lead the NL East…even though they are 10 games over .500…somehow I still think they will find something to b!tch about.
- Marlins - I saw some two-dollar bills today. They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control. Now it’s worth eight, still says “two”. Lowest payroll. But not just the lowest. They have HALF of the 29th-place team at $21 million dollars. That’s less than the Top 3 salaried players (guess which team they play for?). They’re 32-27 record is worth a helluva lot more than that, my friends.
- Mets - I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill… They leap-frogged over Boston for the 3rd-highest payroll. I always felt like the Mets were the scrappy lovable NY team. Not anymore.
- Braves - I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Baseball Prospectus had them picked as 2nd in the NL East, with a couple voters picking them to win it. They’re over .500, but tied for 3rd. Close, Braves.
- Nationals - My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah”. One of the youngest teams out there, the Nationals fans just need to be patient. There’s potential there.
- Cubs - You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later. Dreams blahblah destiny blahblah 100 years on the nose blahblah. Wait til the end of the season and all the “fans” hook-up with the World Series dreams.
- Cardinals - My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should’ve just said, ‘Yeah.’” The Cards are doing surprisingly well. Don’t question it, fans. Just say, “Yeah.”
- Astros - I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…” The pesky Astros just keep hanging around, bugging the ever-lovin’ sh!t out of everyone else.
- Brewers - I saw this wino and he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.” Another relatively young team that has also had some bad luck with injuries. Just wait, Brewers fans. You’re not out of it.
- Reds - If you boat a lot you are known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don’t ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy that likes to boat. I think Reds fans want to stop being known as “Reds fans” and start being known as “guys who kinda like the Reds. Because they live in Ohio. And have nobody else to like.” (Yeah, yeah, Indians. Whatever. Don’t email me.)
- Pirates - I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s three a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. Don’t apologize, Pirates. Nobody expected anything.
- Diamondbacks - I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. The Diamondbacks just keep quietly having an awesome season. When they start flying chairs, I’ll be impressed.
- Dodgers - When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy, they start a waiting list. They say, “Dufresne, party of two, table ready for Dufresne, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: “Dufresne, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresne? No one seems to give a sh!t. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresne are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy! We need help! “Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresne.” This is a bit of a stretch. However, Baseball Prospectus had the Dodgers winning the NL West with 65% of the first-place votes. What happened to the Dodgers? They’re in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths is what happened.
- Giants - I don’t have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks. We don’t have a baseball team, but we do have one hitter (Rowand) and two pitchers (Lincecum, Cain) who occasionally do good.
- Padres - I gotta write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny. I think the poor Padres fans are now trying to convince themselves that they weren’t supposed to be good.
- Rockies - I wish I could play little league now, I’d kick some a$$. This is the only scenario in which I see the Rockies kicking any kind of a$$.